I have this incredible knack for creating more loose ends then I tie up. As I was saying to my parents today, sometimes I feel like a train wreck with people and relationships. I suppose normally with projects this isn't the worst thing. If nothing else I've thought that it keeps life interesting and there's always something going on. Relationships with friends or otherwise is a bit different.
These writings have had what Paul Krietman would call mission creep. Originally, they started as a way to keep track of me when I was in Bangladesh, as well as a place for inside jokes and a venue to whine about topics such as lost love. I'm not sure what this is now. I've been going back through them to figure out the point where they started loosing that direction I long for.
So, realization of a problem is the first step to fixing it. What then does the immediate future hold? Well for starters a return to California. Otherwise what?...A construction worker migrating from island to island for decades like this guy?
Really, a nice enough guy and not the worst life ever... but it's not for me.
Having said that, I'm not quoting any dates on coming back from Hawaii anymore. IT WILL PROBABLY BE SOONER THEN I TOLD EVERYONE. I realized that I'm still comited to my goal of working with NGO's or non profit organizations that are trying to make sure peoples basic needs and secondly socioeconomic status is lifted. I've been hibrernating in Hawaii, I've realized. It's time (past due) to continue working toward those goals.
What have I been doing so far in California? So far I've been working in a room where my grandfather and I used to watch baseball games while I counted my baseball cards, saw two of my closest friends get married, put a few small things to rest, and said what I hope is a short goodbye to some of the most important people in my life. This trip to California has been a little more confusing then relaxing. But I'm trying to be positive about it. Life has a funny way of coming back around to work itself out and show you where your going wrong. It feels a bit overdue to be honest. Rach used to say that I might need to scrub the floors first in order to get where I want. I'm still looking at this as that point in life, but it's quickly growing old. The trip has put several things in perspective though. For instance, a note on the last few months: there's a thin line between going a direction you don't necessarily want to and masochism, one which I feel I've crossed several times.
One of the things I noticed as I looked back through these recent writings and last few months is a lack of wide-eyed awe at the world and people that was so prevalent before. It's slowly coming back.
I hope all of you out there are well. Best of luck to all of you in transition. I hope our paths cross again soon.
